Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
