genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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