You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
