Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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