You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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