Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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