We're like a lot better than the average bears
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
