He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
