**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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