call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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