Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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