I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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