i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
