Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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