I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
