it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
