I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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