I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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