I smell stomach acid.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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