We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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