70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
