I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
