you guys were way drunker than both of me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
