I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
