Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just blew my weed a kiss
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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