Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
