his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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