I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize