We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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