We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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