On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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