just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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