yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
