Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
