I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
