he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
