How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
