suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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