Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
