My first STD was from a foam party
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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