My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize