Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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