you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
