I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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