and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
