This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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