Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Small penises have feelings too.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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