If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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