He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
