I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
