I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
