My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
