My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
