Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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