i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
