i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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