I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
