I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hippo gnu deer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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