come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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