I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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