I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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