She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize