Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
