This is not my ceiling
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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