Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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