Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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