Can Purell be used as lube?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
