if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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