i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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