i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
