On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
is that a dick in a sweater?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
