wanna go halves on a baby?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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