If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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