if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
