Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she smelled like a LAN party
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Randomize
