my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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